Enjoying the present while embracing my life with chronic illness

lately I catch myself questioning if i deserve these wonderful things happening in my life right now, feeling disbelief warm over me. Having moments that leave me pinching myself to make sure it is real. I am constantly checking in with myself to remind myself i am worthy, to stay present in the moment, and most importantly enjoy each moment as it is. Remembering to take everything in around me, like taking a picture in mind, that i can go back to when i need.

For years in my toughest of moments I held onto the dreams of better days, a future that was greater than anyone expected. I built a dream life in my head, kept it simple and only dreamed to accomplish more than i thought i could.  Living in this space between dreaming and reality, tied down to reality by my chronic illness. I float away in the dreaming and get brought back down to reality on the regular. Why does no one talk about the constant smack in the face when you live with an illness or ailment? We hate admitting that our illness will always control at least one aspect of our lives. I fight to balance care and fun in my everyday life, how much am i willing to suffer to do something fun or adventurous and how much care i am going to need and put into myself in return. Dreaming is a hard thing for me, i never dream far into the future and I hesitate to dream about goals because i got so used to living day to day. With every new thing i learn about myself as i grow, I cannot seem to run away from the small quirks I gathered as I adapted to life with an illness. There is a humbling yet chill feeling that rushes over me every week i walk into the hospital for treatment, I have walked through the doors of hospitals so many times in my life and yet each week I still find i have to hype myself up. This silly pep talk i give myself in the mirror each morning before i leave for the hospital has become my ritual. The butterflies walking into a new hospital for treatment are nearly unbearable, i try to breath and tell myself one step at a time. Having p.o.t.s syndrome that fear of not being taken serious and having to argue your case never goes away. The countless times and years spent fighting for my symptoms to be validated, left me always feeling like the odds are staked against me for success at hospitals. I must say when a hospital experience goes well, its the best feeling ever, when you are taken serious and treated amazing, its a visit for the books and something certainly worth celebrating! Every new adventure is a journey, within your mind and within your illness, learning to trust yourself and trust that you have gained the knowledge and wisdom to set forth on any adventure you set your mind to. Life i tell ya, its always something and never nothing but hey at least us the mighty can relate to each other and one way or another we will achieve great things and live a wonderful life.