illness guilt

Oh the many things thrown at us like pebbles on a racing river, life with illness an ever changing river. The pain in the battle for diagnosis, the scars left behind from our years of battles, the flowers that bloom on our scars as we heal. Learning to take steps towards the life written in dreams dreamt for years. Pebble after pebble thrown in the raging river mark the journey played out behind. All of sudden a wave of guilt, a storm that creeped over the mountains not expected to roll in, disrupts the calm flow. Guilt for the mess, disaster left in the wake over years of hospitals, appointments and ambulances. The scars our caregivers and loved ones carry with them from innocent love watching over us, holding our hand. Left to wonder if this battle will ever be over, will ever be won... the chapters keep coming, the challenges and healing may change but never seem to end. Binding our wounds as tiny cracks appear, as simple as a smell brings on a racing heart and sweaty palms. Desire to conquer, to have the last smile over the journey finally left behind, yet upon my back a weight to be carried over the next hill. Heavy is a new guilt, a weight felt for the new people joining, a fear for coming up short, a guilt for questioning every short coming and feeble moment, wondering if the future will hold more storms each time I glance out the window. Incapable to imagine, to look forward, more than a few months ahead, forever the inability to plan ahead. Overcome by a fear left behind, living in constant preparedness for when the storm came back, when the lightning struck. Standing bare, giving everything to the life written within a dream and yet all that reflects in the mirror are scars, memories play back like movie in the eye of the beholder. Healed are the major wounds, healed is the smile upon the face in the reflection. Nightmares still visit dreamland, fear is the glue preventing shatter, hope is the light that gets brighter each day, inadequacy is merely the mask being worn on a fighter learning how to walk all over again in this new world. Guilt... perhaps it is not guilt being carried however it is fear to fail in this new journey that casts a shadow of blame on guilt. The unknown is vast territory to be explored, one step, one foot in front of the other. Hold on tight to the notion that one day the unknown will become a map on the back of your hand. Fear not guilt, fear not failure, fear with all your might not trying and seeing what happens....